Walking out

I haven't blogged much lately.

Things have been rather overwhelming for me, especially in terms of career. I don't know if I made a wrong first step, only time will tell. It's topsy-turvy. Don't get me wrong, it's not about who or what I got into trouble with. It simply wasn't the ideal 'marriage' per se. More like a shotgun, then you realize that the person who is waking up beside you everyday probably isn't the right one for you.

I did have a brush with sales jobs in the past, when someone tried to sweet-talk me into my namesake - MLM. Sure, the fresh air-con, the bustling office environment and the ra-ra gangs - they did entice me quite a bit, to be honest. However, I have never felt comfortable doing it. It was a warning sign that I failed to heed. So I landed in this sales job, but probably I should have never done so because my attributes are simply not cut out for it. Presentations? Sure, I can do them. Pretty well. But meeting people, strangers even? Don't get me wrong. I can hold a conversation, but too bad - sales is an emotional thing. I am not good with touching people emotionally, especially at the crucial moment. Therefore, no sale.

Let me tell you that the sales that I am doing isn't easy. Lots of initiatives and drive have to be generated within yourself. And you are very much on your own. Once your fuel is gone, that's it. Nobody is going to top it up for you other than yourself. That's what exactly happened to me - I am tired. Jaded. But at least I found out the truth before it gets even worse. Keep on going home empty-handed, feet dragging? No good. I know of a lot of people like that, but seriously it isn't a good sign if one is being burnt out so quickly.

Do I think of myself as a failure? I am tempted to, but fortunately V counseled me out of it. For those of you who don't know who 'V' is, she is my fiancee. Someone I would dare to say that she's the best woman I have ever met, who has been very loving and supportive even during these tough times. Right now, I am focusing on getting back to what I can do well in - either chemical engineering or possibly banking. How long will I take before I get to go to work again? I don't know. With this supposedly recovering economy, even with a degree, it's still damn hard. God damn hard. But I am a fighter. I will continue fighting unless I am dead.

As for V, I feel very sorry for her sometimes because as her beloved one, I cannot provide much material support as of now. I am floundering in the rapids myself. But I will get out of it one day - and when that day comes, she'll get this support that she had fully deserved.

Walking out is never easy, be it from a place or from someone. It requires tremendous courage sometimes, but you just have to bite the bullet and move on. There will surely be greener pastures elsewhere, let these seasoned feet of mine carry me to those pastures. The sun will shine once again, for even light and darkness take turns to manifest its presence.

For those readers who have followed me thus far, sorry for not providing updates regularly. I will try to post more stuff when I have more time. Right now, I am entrenched in a war zone.

Past and Present Condo

I haven't been exactly the luckiest person around. I have had a lot of knocks and stumbles throughout the years and sometimes, I am tempted to be resigned to fate - something which is against my personality. Why? Because I am a fighter.

But the catch is, fighters will invariably tire one day. And lately, in the past one or two years, I am indeed tired. Hence, gone - or rather, adjusted was my attitude towards the honors and the accolades, as well as the hearts and the flowers. I don't fight as hard as I used to - or rather, be as obsessed as I was in the past. The previous Condo had been written into the historical annals. The current Condo is an improved and very different version of the past one.

I have not been the luckiest person in heart matters. I used to be the one who has the romance tabloids draped all over me, with those factually uninvited but overly enthusiastic 'friends' who broadcast my interest unabashedly to completely unintended parties. The news would spread like fire, but ironically, I would become frozen instead. Frozen because of a mixture of fear, reluctance and dismissiveness. Again and again, this happened umpteen times.

Although it was only about a couple of years away, I have nearly forgotten what it feels like to be in love with someone. Those fleeting liaisons, stashed away amongst the archives of time, seemed so faraway but can be surprisingly stark and vivid. The touches, the smiles. The moments spent smirking by the telephone cord as the tone of an apparently unattractive counterpart (to others, but not to me) filled my ears. And the memories of the footsteps down the dusty, washed away dirt paths. Sometimes, they do not want to spare me, hence they came to haunt me before I sink into a slumber. Tears would occasionally overflow and speckles of sodium chloride would remain on the pillow sheet cometh the very next ray of sunlight.

That was it, until I met her.

She is a very unique lady. One whom, I am afraid, could not be replicated in any form or imitation. Her eyes sparkle with determination and intellect, but are also full of emotions. Such beautiful eyes! I found mine transfixed onto hers, and eventually hers onto mine. She is no Megan Fox, Mariah Carey and what not, but her brand is extremely out-of-this-world. It was a very difficult road leading up to this point, but a very memorable one as well. There were many a time that nothing would remain, it could have been. Could have been. But finally, fate has decided to do me a favor this time. Corners have turned. And I see from afar that the familiar silhouette is gradually growing larger.

And then there was the hug. Only a hug, you say. However, it probably was one of the most meaningful and emotional one that I have had. Nothing beats that. Like the feeling that you have found your long lost, half-piece of pendant which you thought you could never find it again. The saunter beneath the moonlight and the gentleness that shroud me, are both destined to become timeless classics.

Thanks to the heaven, I have found you.

Aliens

Ever felt like an alien before?

Note that by the word 'alien', I don't necessarily mean those little green customers that you used to, or perhaps even love to, see on those TV screens. In those sci-fi movies. The 'alien' in this context has more to do with the physiological make-up - that is, if you frequently feel that you are constantly out of sync with the people around you, like nobody ever resembles you remotely, that would qualify you as an alien in my context.

And let me tell you this, being an alien sometimes doesn't make one feel good. Humans are social creatures, that much we know, and it doesn't feel good to be left out, even inadvertently, does it? However, sometimes it is inevitable - after all, one can only try to 'close up' the gaps to a certain extent. It becomes trying and tiring to bring it further than that. Hence, sometimes it is better to just preserve your own flavor.

Or seek another alien. With the world getting so unforgivingly congested, surely there must be other aliens amidst all the 'normal people'? Yes. That is possible, in every sense. But the catch is this - aliens are to be met, not sought for.

Fortunately for me, I have met another alien myself since last month. Let's call her V. For anyone here who is itching to know what V does, where she comes from, etc etc - I am sorry. I am not here to reveal all these. Plus, it would be blasphemy to the agreement between two aliens to reveal such heavenly secrets. Then, what's the point of talking about her? You ask.

Well, it's the special bond. The special bond which only two aliens can share with each other. It's akin to someone who can automatically and precisely decipher your code-laden words without you having to apply the 'layman dictionary', like you would do when communicating with those who are obviously not as alien as you are. Someone who could comprehend your emotions and experiences without passing them off as episodes of mundane existence. Someone whom you could actually relate with without having to turn your full-body armor to maximum thickness, like you do with your everyday dealings with others in your office, etc etc etc.

I am lucky to have met you, V. Just when I have kept to myself my deepest thoughts for many months, when I thought that it would be a futile effort to try to create bridges that the other party would have scant interest in trying to reach out towards me with equal measure. I do not know how long our association would last, but I hope it would, for as long as humanly possible.

For now, I have to sign off. V: if you see this, you would understand what I am driving at.

For those who don't, well - you are probably an alien in your own right, but not the same type as me. No matter, you will have your own group of aliens to associate with too. After all, as I mentioned earlier, rapport building is very much a humanistic trait and instinct.